Happy Drug

There is a pharmacy about 1/4 a mile from my apartment that is called “Happy Drug” (presumably because that is their product?). Anyways, as I have gone through the night I have found that my “happy drug” is late night quiet where I am able to just sit here alone and reflect on my day and life in general. I know not much is happening for me and I spend a large portion of the day in my own little world, but somehow everyday brings up new thoughts. I know most of you probably don’t realize this, but most of my blogs post between 1:00-3:30 am(looking like this one will be closer to the 3:30). All of this is because I think at the end of the day I am most vulnerable in my thinking and maybe satisfied with my state of inactivity, something that torments my days almost to the point of hair pulling.

Tonight, in particular, was quite nice. A few hours ago, around 1:00am(weird that was a few hours ago) I went to take the trash out. I decided to do something I had oddly not done yet. Instead of turning around on our little street I kept walking equipped in pajama pants and slippers. I took a long walk to streets unknown allowing the moonlight to guide my way through the unfamiliar Japanese streets. I ended up in the middle of a large highway of sorts that I often am on. It is a place of heavy traffic at everytime I have seen it, yet tonight it was completely dead. I walked down the middle stripe of the road finding such peace. I don’t know why I was compelled to do this, but there was something special about the complete quiet and inactivity of a familiar place that has never been either of those things.

As I sit here tonight, realizing for the first time, my life is maybe like that road. Maybe that is why such a trivial thing as finding an empty street was so special to me. I know it is a very silly analogy, but I have always lived a life of high activity, always seeing people and moving from one place to the next. Since I have been here I have struggled with the slower pace of life, but maybe that is what I need. There are benefits to not having a job, and it isn’t the videogames and all of that (those actually just help from going completely insane). The benefits, I am starting to realize, are the late nights that no morning obligations bring up. I spend probably from 11:00-4:00 every night just sitting here discovering how I feel about life and that is time I usually would not allow myself if I could avoid it.

So tonight, as I walked in complete comfort through the cool night air, I realized that I have it much better than I have given myself credit for lately. I also recently came across some music that is all instrumental but reflective of my mood which is what is playing as I write this blog. It is weird how the things I never really found time for in the States plays such a big role on my life now. I would have never taken a night walk, I would have never sat down for music and pondering, I would have never written a journal. All of these things are now starting to help my mood. These are my Happy Drugs.

Adam

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