current emotions

So, the strangest thing about moving back is that NOTHING felt different.  When we came home at Christmas it was a very “woah, I’m jeg-lagged and omg TACO BELL!”  This time, however, was almost anti-climatic.  I honestly expected it to be a lot more because of the added time home and the fact we were not on vacation but trying to get resettled.

So enough time has passed now and I am finally able to think about my past-life.  I know this is weird, but it seriously doesn’t even feel like Japan ever happened for us.  Something that shaped me so much and unless I remind myself it pretty much never happened.  There was not any sort of party(though I hope to have a Japan themed party soon with some pics and delicious food).  It really is strange and kind of hard to cope with.  Did it ever happen?  Was it worth it?

Well, I can say now with certainty that it was most certainly worth it.  Looking through pictures has been really rewarding and a huge boost to my low morale.  I am only saddened to see the faces and places I feel that I took for granted.  The real problem for me is that I was in such a rush to get back because I was feeling really really low at the time and now that I am back and it isn’t anything close to what I felt I was coming home to I would almost just rather be in Japan still.  I guess if I am going to be bored and down, why not be bored in down in Japan where at least I can claim life experiences or whatever.

And here I am back where I was last year.  When we moved to Japan I was desperate for a change of pace and scenery.  When I was in Japan I was desperate to be back with friends and family.  I can’t deny my low feelings in Japan.  I remember how miserable I was for at least the last few months, but I honestly feel the same way here and knowing what I know now, I would probably have stuck it out another year(Melissa permitting).  I don’t know.  It is just hard to deal with I guess.

I am, as it seems, always happier in the recesses of my mind.  Optimistic about the future, pesimistic about the present, longing for the past.  It is really hard to live life this way.  I mean, I build up the possibilities of the future so much and appreciate the bright spots of the past that all I see in the present is the bad.  Am I really ever happy in the present?  I mean, if my mind looks to the past and how happy I was, didn’t I have to be happy at the time?  The part that scares me is that maybe I never was.  Or at least maybe I wasn’t nearly as happy as I make myself out to have been.  I don’t know.  I really can’t even sum up what I am dealing with because it is a complex amount of questioning of life and my role in it, but I just don’t want to regret anything and it seems that I am always regretting letting the past get away.  I know many of you will probably think “oh, well now that you know that just appreciate the present!” which I know is the obvious response, but not at all realistic according to my feelings.  The biggest curse of it all.

Adam

~ by amfenrick on October 14, 2010.